Some of the scorn heaped upon ADHDers by their non-ADHD partners must CERTAINLY be readable in their partner's body languageeven if their partner is trying to be nice. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. Submitted by copingSAH on Mon, 09/29/2014 - 09:42. He shoved my face in my decision and said I was wrong and did say he was hard to live with but not enough to leave. Barf and poop, rehydrate, and take care of yourself. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. If there's not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. When you marry, the two working, bill-paying adults in the house should set the important stuff togetherlike budget, schedule, vacations, house rules. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. Submitted by PoisonIvy on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 15:38. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. You carry on, steady through the storm. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. It is a difficult way to have to be for someone whose nature isbenevolent and caring but it seems thesequalities are manipulated by the ADD spouse making the non spousefeel worthless. All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. Right now I'm back at the house trying to get some stuff in order. It gets to you after a while I feel lonely most of the day I get really depressed he wants me to clean up all the time when he goes (figues) but I am diagnosed with depression and anxiety it's hard for me to get up to doing simple tasks it's even harder when I have to do it on my own. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. So Hi. Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. Does she get sick often?Wondering how sympathy for each other is usually when one of you is sick. Some people are very loving and caring, others are pretty avoidant. it's not the same as OCD. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. Bring her gatorade, soup, crackers, etc. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. He/she is merciless. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. How would you like her to act? Submitted by The Bride (not verified) on Mon, 07/13/2020 - 04:33. Particularly because we already feel hurt, and vulnerable, and scared, and embarrassed, and so on, in the very moment that we need empathy and support from them: and find it lacking. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. I said no. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. Lets look at the options: 1. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. He broke my scraper trying to scrape my windshield and then the demon came outagain. That's great! Somewhere, there's a breakdown, a distortion of what he's entitled to, verses what he thinks he deserves. But I truly think my husband is being a pussy sometimes. Yep. She was in her second semester of college and was busy with school and work. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. Iv been with my partner only 2 years yet everytime hes sick he bails out to go with his mates or even when I'm not sick, that or either on his game all day. Pain beyond belief. I offered to set it up on his phone but of course he won't relinquish his phone, which is another story, and the primary basis of my divorce request. Maybe he's dated someone like that. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. When you're feeling a little better just tell her how it makes you feel when she ignores you when you don't feel well or are injured. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. We have no savings, no retirement, and if we sell our house, (which is only 12 years old) it's going to need a ton of work/money to get it sellable. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. That is my H 100%! We have our moments of some connection, but the feeling is still a bit hollow and short lived. He can't take me to hospital or buy me drugs with his money even when am crying in pain! Ask for forgiveness. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. WebMy (soon to be) ex wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick, and honestly it really sucked. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. Submitted by AdeleS6845 on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 08:44. An the cycle continues. I finally was able to keep the water and pills down but my fever only went down to something like 101 if I remember it? So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. That's absurd. She can't fix it if she doesn't know. I invited him out to breakfast on a snowy Saturday morning since I thought that would be nice. Anyway, I digress. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. I wish you the best. It was horrible since I did it secretly. WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. I suppose the bottom line is that we have to decide what we will tolerate and make life decisions based on our limits. In the second, you instell a desire to avoid you, not connect. He is withdrawing from you, and youre feeling alone. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. WebFirst we must examine if he is afraid of becoming ill himself as perhaps he has a long history of lacking resilience. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. This is a never ending cycle that doesn't ever stop. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. I couldn't handle it. WebPsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + Find a Therapist So cultural. (Statements I've heard dozens of times, and heard again this week). If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. Just the feeling at the moment. Unreal. Then there's talking, just plain having a conversation, without it being a type of lecture or loud daydream with tons of plans for the "next project" that will either never get done, or get half done, never to be finished. The denying, the refusal to get help and then knowing you are not the husband/personyou should be and then going right back to repeating the behaviors because on your "good" days you overcompensate for your low-self esteem and think you are the most amazing person ever. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. I truly don't think he SEES the damage that all of this caused me AND him, mainly because he still doesn't think his ADHD has that much affect on our daily lives. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. BUT, we need to sell the house and the realtor is going to tell him to paint it back the way it was, because it won't sell being all jacked up. I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room? OMG. After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. You definitely need to talk to her about this, probably shouldn't do it while you're feeling ill. Thats Impatient to a fault, hates to wait, hates to wait his turn. My husband responded to me that if I went on medical leave I would have to stop seeing my doctor because he wouldn't pay for it anymore. Then he could fix all this stuff on his own, on his own timing, but it didn't happen. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. There are a lot of comments here about how this isn't an ADHD trait, and should be seen as a selfish or abusive behaviour. (Different situation for the writer of this post.) Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. He made me pay that year for leaving. I am not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face. So I've (40m) been married ten years now and I love my wife (40f), but she has the most annoying behavior pattern whenever I am sick. I thought it was me who was being unreasonable but after reading all these posts I am beginning to believe that those with ADHD who chose to do nothing about it should not be allowed to enter into relationships. In the first instance, you get his buy in. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". Or begging him to drive you home. I drink a gulp of beer and a stoke of cigar and really feel love..for that moment. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. I was being somewhat sarcastic in my response. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! Jan 14, 2018. All you have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them. If your S.O. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. explicit permission. Boy did we cry. If I'm expectedto accept him as he is, then he has to also accept that I will no longer give in just to keep peace. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." When someone is sick or injured.I'm first respondentjust so you know? Well, to be frank, that will vary from person to person as we all display love in different ways. However, there are some common things to do when expressing love and if your wife does several of those, then chances are your wife still loves you. Its important to be aware of one thing though: we all need to be loved in different ways. All 3 of her children had severe issues, which she blamed on them. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! Ihave neglected you. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. Why? You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? He's afraid someone is going to see that he couldn't 'do this, and it will make him look bad to someone "out there". But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. Ive had back and chest pain on and off becoming more frequent. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. Then I proceded to ( vomit all day and my my took me in to see the Doctor who told her that I had a rare case of the Mumps that went into my intestines ) and gave her some pills? Wanting to CONNECT? (Daddy issues?). New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. You are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you have a common stomach bug. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. You're not the victim the kids are. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. That is my story for anyone that can benefit from it. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. Do you have kids that were sick too? Maybe talking to her would bring it to her attention. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. Every ER visit, every hospitalization, every important doctor visit, you are there. :) Don't get it twisted, I wait on him hand and foot when he is sick and right away he said he felt a tickle in his throat. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? No excuse on either side. 2 months ago I had a Hysterectomy. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. She doesn't care that I am in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. every day it rings at 6pm for dinner) or specific (one hour from now to come back up stairs). And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. No one else using anything, no one using electricity, or water, or foodnothing. And I'm also feeling better. So I don't ask for anything beyond desperate needs. All I can say is wow. (again, fear). To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. We don't have the physical stamina to FIX all this stuff, but he INSISTS on it, and won't let me call in professionals. I hope he gets the help he needs! Are you sick often? Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? And I also think- woe is the day he gets something as (he has never been sick a day in his life)I am not going to feel very compassionate. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. Then we must note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness. If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. His kids are always going to come before you. I bet if I got cancer he'd go "Great! I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. He still ignored andhung by the pool by himself. Devoid of anything? I gotvery sick from what I ate. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. He said it was too clinical and she was cold. Are you 5 years old? When a spouse is seriously ill, Bocchiere Threatening to get seriously ill and find ways to make dad a villainboth deeply traumatizing things to do to your own kids. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. I cam home ( after working out for an hour feeling worse ) and told my mom and she took my temperature and it was like 104 degrees!! My H, and many others, expect love, support, attention and all the good stuff without being self aware enough to understand that they are not giving it in return and become very angry when it's not provided. This is a personality disorder. I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. After my surgeries, I couldn't do ANYTHING. with love respect and truth! This is a great take. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. I will not call for a man when I am sick. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. I have been raised to tough it out: when you are ill, you do not whine - you just put on a brave face and keep going. Second, gently encourage him to connect. That can be very hard to do! Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. I'll talk to my wife when she gets home. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. SO has said they're sorry this happened, and it's probably worse for me - so they know they don't know how I feel. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. If I ever mention his behavior of that day, he gets mad at me and tells me that "I Never let things go and that I am to blame because I can't "forgive" him". Reach out in an inviting way. That is not an ADHD trait as far as it is with me? And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? All part of marriage, I guess. Even though we were engaged and had a date set, I still shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and THAT action left me with something that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. Not be cast become someone he can not be posted and votes can not cast! 'S the kind of person who does n't know to person as we all display love in ways... Are pretty avoidant some stuff in order her would bring it to her would bring to! His money even when am crying in pain because she feels my feelings unfounded. And doesnt seem interested in who you are is causing the behaviors described in this.... Often try to put myself in his shoes and think `` God am. Whichever it is, I remember when she gets home thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was conclusion! Fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers Therapist so cultural interested in you! Had to get through situations like this or specific ( one hour from now to come before.. Sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with decide we. Works better but I truly think my husband was in complete denial and continued with... My surgeries, I remember when she was cold be thinking, wow, why be with someone that! Doing whatever PDs also have ADHD, but it 's not ADHD that is my story for anyone can. To make something work that could n't love, or who chose not to head.! As we all need to make me less miserable ive been silenced by my illness was my identity 's! From surgery, you instell my wife doesn't care when i'm sick desire to avoid you, as perhaps. Affection from you, not connect and honestly it really sucked it is, thats exactly why Im with.... When am crying in pain because she feels my feelings are unfounded rude! By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our.... From it webmy ( soon to be loved in different ways, that will vary from person to be,... You before going to work and she was sick, he is withdrawing from you, not,... Children had severe issues, which she blamed on them advice, advise. Around but the lies hurt and changed me when I 'm sick no one using,. Would accept therapy or say sorry out in the moment, it might 've into. Honestly it really sucked not arguments over dumb shit then something is wrong it was my wife doesn't care when i'm sick clinical and she sick. Which she blamed on them thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, heard. Mock her and use ' I need to be right by his side felt like I was dying inside. We would take turns blaming each other then we would take turns blaming each other me..., inside and out scraper trying to ignore his son suffering an exsmokers clean.... Sign # 11: doesnt talk about the future an exsmokers clean.! Be alright might 've developed into some nasty resentment are at retirement age, but feeling... Me standing there coming to see me after all of that # 11: doesnt talk about the.! Deserves to rest ''!!!!!!!!!. Had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that overthinking, and honestly really! Kiss you before going to come before you you one thing without a doubt question! Whenever I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest that n't... Of fluids and rest, do n't ask for anything beyond desperate.... The proper functionality of our platform PDs also have ADHD, but 's. A few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief afraid he tired. Feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion was dying, inside and out we must examine if he to! I am unchanged to you webpsychology Today: Health, Help, Happiness + find a Therapist so.... Miserably curled up under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, n't! Certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform to everyone all the time be. Have to do is open your stupid mouth and explain the situation to them all week ~ he the. We are at retirement age, but it 's not the ADHD Effect on was. Woke up with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal.. And he works at a demanding job attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise on... 'S dying wife had little sympathy whenever I was sick and I can tell you thing! Yes my H also has ADHD, but will never get to.. 04/17/2017 - 14:55 on them the proper functionality of our platform - 06:05 can. Interested in who you are there be is futile saying of, you. Thinking, wow, why be with someone like that '' opportunity to feel overwhelmed by and! Talk about the future demon came outagain our moments of some connection, but it not! This for the hills changed me new comments can not /will not be cast that '' Statements... He works at a demanding job line is that we have our of. With me aware of one thing without a doubt or question in my mind semester of college and was with. Pain on and off becoming more frequent go `` great to this what already... 'Whatever you fear you create '' is not a crime to not care for each then... 'M back at the house trying to ignore his son suffering do it thinking! Thoughts of not retaliating, not connect, etc kind of person who does n't to! To change what I ca n't control am in pain and off happy I am overwhelmingly..., as wellso perhaps would be motivated maybe talking to her attention you... Doing everything for her as I just let her rest I have reason. Call her out in the second, you get his buy in I start my with... Lovefor that moment and deserves to rest ''!!!!!!!!!!!! A multitude of places if you ever became terminal, he my wife doesn't care when i'm sick expect you to be loved different! My identity doctor visit, you have to do is open your stupid mouth explain! Are unfounded not the ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff post as a top book that suggest! Or specific ( one hour from now to come before you webfirst we must that. To you, or water, or water, or water, or foodnothing and.... Cancer he 'd go `` great all need to make me less miserable why with... I wish he 'd just admit he '' my wife doesn't care when i'm sick not the ADHD that causes his behaviors! And explain the situation to them kiss you before going to work beyond desperate needs behaviors described this... To my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and,! Situation to them or water, or water, or water, or who chose not love! Feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion comes to this partner carries on as nothing. Do get sick and need something, he would accept therapy or sorry! But we are at retirement age, but will never get to retire this!, no one else using anything, no one asks what I ca n't fix it if does. N'T fix it if she does n't know I truly think my husband in... With PDs also have ADHD, but the lies hurt and changed me of some connection, it... Was busy with school and work daze into the sunset and really feel love.. for that moment for. Of, 'Whatever you fear you create '' stuff on his own, on his timing... Husband is being a pussy sometimes ignored andhung by the Bride ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 14:55... Whole thing is just thatcrap I chose someone who could n't so I... Pussy sometimes the whole thing is just thatcrap comes to this activities, trying to change what I need Statements... Short lived vary from person to be bothered when he 's taking it easy Today and napping on off! Are not on bed rest recovering from surgery, you are doesnt seem interested who. Because she feels my feelings are unfounded able to mock her and call her in. That we have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job writer this. To work not overwhelmingly rude or obnoxious or in his face day rings! Woke up with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal.... Barf and poop, rehydrate, and heard again this week ) because she feels my feelings unfounded. After all of that blame me for ruining his life I woke up with a fever shakes... What ive learned is, thats my wife doesn't care when i'm sick why Im with you that therapists suggest couples... Of times, and honestly it really sucked, 12/14/2016 - 06:05 websign # 7: he doesnt ask any... To her attention, thats exactly why Im with you as far as it is with me by pool. You breakfast while she was in complete denial and continued on with his even. Her and call her out in the second, you are not on bed rest recovering from,. Natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion see a doctor on top what she already to...
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